A Theme but No Plot

Keywords:  conspiracy theory

About 900 words or three pages

A Theme but No Plot

                There may be no plot, but there may be a theme.   Some sports have plots—a game like baseball or soccer or basketball, which develop a story line in a direction with players and strategies, but other more simple sports like swimming and running don’t have much plot, you just do it.  That’s the theme.   Despite what some may think, the Government doesn't really have a plot, but it does well when it remembers our founding president’s theme.   

Show me a conspiracy theorist, and I’ll show you someone who’s never worked for the government.    There’s no plot, but there can be a theme.  Let me give you an example.

                Once, when I was in officer training in the US Air Force, a memo went out that there was to be no more trash in the trash cans in the barracks.  No explanation for the new regulation.  So, all the nervous trainees began running amok stuffing assorted trash under mattresses and above the ceiling panels, and flushing all sorts of foreign objects down the toilets.  No telling how much money was wasted having plumbers unclog the pipes, nor how many fruit cores and banana peels might still be rotting above the ceiling tiles. 

                “It’s got to be part of a big plan to teach us something; man, these guys are thorough in thinking about our training.  Perhaps it’s to teach us how to hide things if we’re ever captured and become POWs.” I heard my classmates wondering about the meaning of the no trash directive. 

                “Are you kidding?”  I said.  “Some captain walked through the barracks and saw a pizza box sticking out of a trash can and told some sergeant who told the colonel that trash is overtaking the base.   The colonel told his secretary to have someone fix it, and thus a sudden regulation was promulgated.”  Of course, no rule was just posted or told to everyone, instead the rules were promulgated.  A good promulgation at least sounds like it has a theme to it.

                Before I left Uncle Sam’s great full-time employ and went to the Reserves, my last job assignment was to translate government-speak into English (they had a job for that?).  The theme was to simplify, but the plot thickened one day.  I was called to an “urgent non-essential personnel incident” at the base commissary.  The grocery baggers were having a protest because they weren't getting enough tips.  These grocery baggers were casual day workers (mostly teenage kids of personnel stationed on base) who helped bag groceries in return for tips.  Things were getting out of hand, and a weary MP was trying to calm down the protest.  I arrived on the scene-- young officer on emergency wordsmith duty-- and began to explore the situation. 

                Apparently, the whole informal bagging program had just started the week before.  It was a program of good intent:  give teenagers a chance to perform a needed service and get a little money, with no real government red tape involved.  The kids had asked the commissary manager to put up a sign, so that everyone would know about the new bagger program and know to tip the kids.  Thus, the commissary put up a big sign in bold government font whose proclamation sticks in my mind.  I swear I’m not making this up, it said:

                CARRY OUT PACKAGING PERSONNEL ARE NOT FEDERAL EMPLOYEES.  THEIR ONLY REMUNERATION ARRIVES IN THE FORM OF GRATUITIES FROM THE PATRONS. 

                “Sergeant,” I looked at the MP and promulgated, “rip that sign  down and get one put up there that says, ‘Baggers work for tips only’.”

                I’m not saying governments always mess up the plot.  I have worked and been in countries where the government seems to do some things with rational design or at least without a lot of meandering.  I've noticed most of these countries have sideways crosses in their flags (Northern Europe)—not that I’m making a theological statement, but I do wonder why the US Government isn't even in the top 20 countries in the international government non-corrupt efficiency index.

                Like most things, governments grow by accretion.  And by definition this means only a piecemeal, short term design, if any design at all.  The good news here is that small-- seemingly inconsequential-- acts really do have big long term results.  For those of us who take pride in our profession and in the small designs and details we do every day, this is great encouragement.   I’m sure in many cases government workers have this same pride and can have a positive result. 

                Perhaps a big problem with the US Government is that we were really founded on an anti-government theme.  Our approximate tagline was “Don’t tread on me” long before “E pluribus unum” came along.  The original design of our government was meant to, well, be fairly minimal—a government with many limits.   George Washington made history when he took this to heart and walked away from said government to be a private citizen on a farm—to live off of his investments, as it were.   Of course, he was neither learned, nor a career politician, and originally got his “break” because he was accomplished at something:  he rode better than other surveyors (Lord Fairfax needed a very competent horseman who could survey his vast real estate).  Washington didn't even have a plot, just a theme:  do a few things well, dress and behave the part, and don’t screw things up you don’t understand.  And, many of the good things we have today resulted from this theme without a plot.        

              

©Copyright 2015 by John P. Harrison.  All rights reserved.